Through everything, I’ve tried very hard to maintain a sense of humour.
I thinks it’s important to laugh – through the light and the darkness. It’s the one thing that keeps me going and keeps me somewhat sane. I have a dark and dry sense of humour. ML tells me constantly that I will go to hell for some of the things I laugh at and make fun of, but without my sarcasm and wit, I’m nothing.
Stupid things make me cry, and equally, stupid things make me laugh. I’ve been blessed with a husband who gets me, and a Father in Law who loves to spar with me. His Scottish sense of haha cracks me up, and when we get going, one of us usually has to pee. He usually outlasts me. My bladder doesn’t work anymore, so it’s not really a fair fight. But then, his prostate is giving him grief now, so we’re evening out.
More than anything, the sound of ML laughing at something dark and ridiculous makes me laugh harder than anything else. He’s one of those people who laughs until tears run down his face, and once he gets going, it’s impossible to stay sad and morose. He laughs with his whole body, and usually throws in a snort or two. Classic. I love him for it. There have been times where we’ve been in a very bad place, with my anxiety levels rising, and he’ll find something so stupidly funny that it brings me back to earth. We’ll be going to hell together I fear.
This has kept me going over the past few years. Finding humour in pain, depression and disappointment is almost impossible, and the fact that he can find a way has brought me out of the depths of my grey sludge more often than I can count. There isn’t a lot to laugh about these days. Watching the news makes me want to curl up in a ball in the corner and rock and weep. Thinking about and talking about family issues – his and mine – makes my internal ball of anger glow like a bonfire and the tears pour.
We worry about our future and whether I’ll get worse and require more care. We worry about money and whether we have enough set aside to see us both through to old age. We worry about one of us being left alone and how we’d cope without the other. There’s nothing funny in any of this, so when things get too deep, we try to find something funny in the darkness to turn things around. It doesn’t always work, but I love him for trying.
We worry about today, we worry about tomorrow, but we always find moments to find the funny in the fury.
I knew I had the right guy when, on our 38 degree wedding day, we both cracked up at all the flies buzzing around us during our oh so romantic ceremony, and at the sweat pouring down our faces. We didn’t care – we’d found each other, we were getting married and everything else was just funny. Two hours of pictures in the heat – hilarious! We were unbelievably happy and everything else just didn’t matter.
There have been few ups to our downs lately, but finding the funny keeps us together.