How do other people do it?
How do people live in this world, venturing out, interacting with other people, facing tragedies head on. Being wounded emotionally daily and carrying on?
I can’t do it.
Everything hurts. Every little thing cuts me to pieces. And no, I can’t carry on. I stay locked in my home to protect my … well everything really.
I’ve always been easily hurt. A thoughtless word, a forgotten date or promise. Feeling left out – or left alone. I have no coping mechanism, and every slight goes into a data bank which I tap into at 3:00 am when sleep eludes me.
I can’t work things through, and even though I know it’s incredibly self involved to believe that it’s “all about me”, I can’t help but think it is. In a bad way.
I feel like I fail at everything to some degree every day.
I’m a bad wife. I don’t support ML as much as I should. I’m a horrible daughter in law – I cannot go and visit my Mother and Father in law because they are so ill and frail that just seeing them makes me cry uncontrollably, and just the thought of spending time with them makes me so anxious I have a panic attack.
Selfish. They ask after me all the time – ML tells them that I’m not well (which is very true), and that I’m just no strong enough to visit. How weak and pathetic is that? And I know it hurts them – they don’t understand. I know this and it makes me feel … well, there are no words. If something were to happen to either of them now, after not having seen them for months…I can’t even think about it.
But I do. And I cry. A lot.
It’s getting worse. I spend a lot of time on my own crying. Every stupid and important little thing sets me off. My brother’s silence – killing me. Worrying about my niece and nephew – hours and hours of tears.
I send off messages and emails – a lot of which go unanswered – and I’m devastated. It makes me feel even smaller and less important than I already do. There’s nothing I can do – for anyone – right now, but being ignored is awful. I feel like the whole world is happening around me, and I’m in this bubble of pain looking out. Alone.
I’ve done this – I’ve isolated myself. I’m too pushy, I’m too needy. I’m too lonely. I have nothing to give, nothing to add, nothing to say.
I’m sick, I’m sad, I’m alone. This is all I have to discuss. I read, I study, I learn, I try to stay on top of what’s happening out there, but in here – nothing ever changes. And even though I know this in my head, my heart wants to be a part of everything.
I just can’t. The longer I’m locked up in here, the worse it gets.
I have no purpose. I don’t do anything that matters. I used to matter. I take steps to get that woman who matters back. One step forward, two steps back.
Right now I’m determined to keep trying. This means something.