Breathe

We thought we had a moment. ML and I thought we had made a start on getting everything sorted after a very bad year.

After losing ML’s Mum and grieving our way through that, him drowning in paperwork and logistics, putting his Mum to rest while holding everything and everybody else together, we thought we had some time to breathe.

Dad was finally in his new unit, the family home was sold, years and years worth of “stuff” sorted and dealt with. It was finally slowing down a bit. Not quite “normal”, but what’s normal?

Then on the weekend Dad had a fall. Quite a serious fall, but he didn’t call ML. He simply went to bed, and when ML showed up for lunch on Sunday he was greeted by a head wound, two black eyes, a half dozen bruises and abrasions, and a man who could barely breathe he was in so much pain.

So, back to the hospital. After being checked over, no head injury, but bruised ribs, and after a CT scan, a “mass” on his lung. A lifelong smoker – we’re worried. But as it was a public hospital, he was sent home and the “system” ground to a halt – waiting for more tests. And we worry. So now, it’s fighting the medical machine again for something – anything. And ML’s life is tossed into stormy waters once again.

But that wasn’t enough. Yesterday, due to cuts in government funding, ML lost his job. On the way home, he had a car accident. He’s fine (well, unhurt), but the car’s a mess, and here we are again – treading in dark waters – trying to keep our heads up.

I need to hold it together. ML needs me to be small, not needy. But all the normal shit goes on. I need to see a Dr this week to get my pain meds. I’m seeing my Psych in a couple of weeks. I need more help with the darkness. I’ve got an appointment with the Pain Clinic at the end of the month. It never stops.

We thought we had some time to reconnect, concentrate on us for a while. We were looking to buy a house. We were moving forward again. Two steps forward and three steps back.

I don’t know how ML keeps going. He goes off to bed at 9:00, up at 7:00, and out the door. I can’t move. I actually made a start on getting things clean and organized yesterday. I have a room full of crap, a garage full of crap…I got two loads of laundry done. It’s now sitting here on the chair beside me waiting to be folded and put away.

It’s not happening today. I’m in pain, I’m spiraling back down into the darkness. I can’t stop it. I haven’t slept. I can’t breathe. My heart is pounding and I can’t think.

What now? I don’t know. I want to disappear for a while, but I want to be as supportive as I can be. I don’t want to be needy and useless. I want to breathe. I want to help ML breathe. We need to keep going. But where are we going now?

All I know is that I need to hold on tight to the man I love and do the very best I can. And wait for a break. Something. We’ve earned it haven’t we?

Breathe.