A Stroke of Relief

It’s been a tough week.

I’ve been waiting for ML to fall apart, get angry, shut down…something. I’m actually worried by the fact that he simply carries on.

Until Thursday morning.

ML makes light of it, and has learned to live with it, but he had a stroke when he was 11 years old. It occurred in the right hemisphere of his brain and was caused by a faulty heart valve (since repaired), and means the left side of his body is compromised. Without going into a lot of detail, he has no feeling down the left side of his body, and had to relearn all the basics of life after the age of 11 – walking, talking, reading…everything. His parents spent hours working with him, and if you met him and didn’t know, you’d have a hard time picking it.

I see it. When he’s tired, the left side of his face droops, his limp is just slightly more pronounced, and he has more trouble with his left hand. All things I look for daily.

You see, I live in terror of him having another stroke or heart attack. He’s been well cared for and tested all his life by a couple of great cardiologists and for the most part, it doesn’t worry him.

It worries me. Every. Single. Day. It also made him the man he is today. It made him the man I fell madly in love with. Kind, compassionate, honest, caring, and self deprecating. It was an accident that brought sorrow, pain, and these gifts.

Thursday morning – 3:00 am – he came stumbling from the bedroom toward the toilet – sweat pouring from every inch of his body. He was incoherent, and passed out on the hall floor – falling face down on the hard cold tiles. Terror much? I don’t move too fast these days so it took me a minute (it felt like an hour) to get to him. He was in agony – but couldn’t tell me what was wrong.

He was finally able to stand (leaning heavily on me), and I got him to the sofa. I went through the FAST list. If you’re not familiar with it – get familiar. Please.

F.A.S.T. stands for:

• F – Face Drooping: Does one side of the face droop or is it numb? Ask the person to smile.
• A – Arm Weakness: Is one arm weak or numb? Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?
• S – Speech Difficulty: Is speech slurred, are they unable to speak, or are they hard to understand? Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence like, “The sky is blue.” Is the sentence repeated correctly?
• T – Time to call an ambulance: If the person shows any of these symptoms, even if the symptoms go away, call for help and get them to the hospital immediately.

He was fine. Nice even smile (well it was a grimace actually), arms up, knew the date and who our current PM was – all good. Just horrible stomach cramps, felt extremely ill, sweating like crazy. Not a heart attack either, so I started breathing again.

We think he had a case of food poisoning. ML very rarely gets sick, but when he does, it’s bad. Man flu is a real thing in this house.

After several hours and some tea and toast he was fine – tired and sore, but fine.

Me? Not so much. That feeling of absolute terror of losing this wonderful man is just under the surface every day. We have our issues, our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but the thought of losing him to a stroke or heart attack at such an early age turns me into a mess of anxiety. And with everything that he’s been through over the past year, one could almost expect him to implode or fall to pieces.

I know I can’t spend life holding my breath, expecting the worst, but I do. He brushes it off as though it were nothing, and I’m just being dramatic. Probably. It’s my personality. But he has to realize that losing him would be catastrophic for the people who are relying on him right now. And yes, I do know it’s wrong and selfish of me to think this way. I hate that I do.

Don’t think badly of me please. I did spend a lot of years working right alongside ML – living life on the same level and building a life and a future. I know I’ve done what I could. I wish I could have done more, been more of an equal partner, but my body and mind won’t let me be who I was 10 years ago. I hate being this dependent on anyone. It makes me crazy. And angry.

I not only love ML, I need him. Too much. Am I becoming too much to bear? This past week has made me rethink how we’re living our lives at the moment. It’s not fair to expect one person to carry this massive load of unhappiness and pain.

For now, he’s OK. He has simply picked himself back up and has carried on. Lunch with his Dad today and any errands that need doing. No, he’s not superman or a saint, but he is pretty damn special.

I AM grateful.