Full Circle

I have one brother and one sister. My brother, TJ, is 11 years older than I am, and I adore him. He is on the spectrum – off the chart Asperger – has a pronounced stutter, is dyslexic and has had a very hard life. He’s married for the second time, and I’m not sure that he’s happy. He has little to no contact with his two children and four grandchildren. He admits to being a shit parent, but he was very successful and built a very profitable business with his first wife, but it came at a cost. He has regrets, and I would do anything to make his life easier and better. I make sure he knows how much I love, admire and respect him at every opportunity.

My sister. Where do I start. She’s 13 years older than I am, and we have a difficult relationship. She has a drinking problem, is very self involved, will lie and manipulate to get what she wants, and has alienated almost everyone who loved her. She sees very little of her three children and 8 grandchildren. We no longer speak. We’re cordial and polite, but the connection is tenuous at best.

My sister sings like and angel. She was on the cusp of stardom, coming up the folk music ranks at the same time as Joni Mitchell. They lived almost parallel lives until they were close to “making it big”. They both got pregnant at about the same time. Joni gave her baby up and became famous. My sister was forced to marry the father who she barely knew, had the baby and then two more before she divorced 11 years later.

She gave up on her dream.

When she was developing her singing career, she decided to learn to play the guitar at the same time. A very talented guitarist from our church was hired to teach her to play. They fell in love. GJ was only 15 at the time, and the teacher was 18. My parents watched love and her gift blossoming, and simply kept a close eye on the situation. His parents stepped in and put a stop to the relationship due to the difference in age. They were separated and went their separate ways. JA (the teacher) went on to become one of the best classical guitarists in Canada, eventually settling into a teaching position at the University of Calgary while continuing with studio and concert work.

JA married and had one child. He too divorced, and eventually remarried. He had two more children. GJ remarried as well, no more children and divorced 10 years later. By this time, she had become bitter and angry and her children drifted off to live with their father. She was alone, bitter and angry, and decided she’d remain unmarried and live life for herself. No singing career, no husband, no children.

By chance, she reconnected with her guitar teacher. He was still very much married to wife number two and living with their two daughters. They discovered their feelings for each other was still very much alive. JA left his wife, and after a short while, JA & GJ were together, very much in love and eventually married.

But the damage had been done. So much time had passed, and they had both gone through so much to finally be together. They started sharing their love of alcohol. There was no money. GJ had lost hers due to poor investments and a shopping problem. A huge shopping problem. JA was paying a great deal every month in maintenance and child support – the price he paid to release himself from his first and second marriages. They struggled. They drank. But, miraculously their marriage survived – indeed thrived. They were grateful that they at least had each other at last. It had been a long and difficult road to come full circle.

They are still happily together, sharing their struggles. I’d love to be happy for them, but the dysfunction of their relationship is palpable. They cling to each other and their bottles, and keep anyone else out. I understand their anger and their pain. I hate it, but I get it. I often imagine how differently their lives would have been had they been allowed to stay together, let their love develop and marry. Would I have a sister I could love? Would they have had an amazing music career? Would that have bound them together or torn them apart?

We’ll never know.